# Low desire is not a dealbreaker

Someone emailed me this week: *"Doctor, I love my husband. But I never feel the way I used to. Is my marriage over?"*

No. It is almost certainly not over. Here is what is usually going on.

## 1. You are exhausted

Desire needs bandwidth. If you are working full-time, running a household, or raising small children, your body is telling you to conserve energy — not reject your partner.

## 2. Spontaneous vs responsive

70% of women (and plenty of men) have *responsive desire* — they feel turned on in response to pleasure, not before it. If you wait to "feel like it" first, you will wait forever. The arousal follows the action, not the other way around.

## 3. Long-term relationships trade novelty for safety

And that is usually a good trade. But it means you have to intentionally bring a little bit of newness back. Not a cruise — a different restaurant. A different playlist. A different shirt.

## What actually works

- Schedule intimacy. I know, I know. But scheduled sex is sex, and spontaneous sex is a fantasy most couples with jobs and kids don't get to live.
- Start with non-sexual touch. 2 weeks of hugs, kisses, sitting close. Rebuild the runway.
- If it has been a year and nothing moves, talk to a therapist. Not because you are broken, but because an outside view helps.

Desire is not a switch. It is a garden.